Sharing Fantasies

According to Dr Thomas Stuttaford, a sex advice columnist from the Times Online, "You may already have realised — and I have been told this by many patients — that it is nearly always a mistake to confess fantasies to a partner unless you are certain that they are shared. Personal fantasies can be held against you. If your partner does not share the same fantasy, she may even find it a positive turn-off. The only certainty is that if this is so, your fantasy will not be forgotten."

I realize I am very lucky. I have a very open, very loving relationship and I can (and have) shared many fantasies with my fella. True, there were a few things that were difficult to say because I wasn't certain how he would respond, but some were things I wanted to experience and the only way to experience them was to talk about what I wanted. Some were things I can't ever fathom doing but it decidedly turns me on to think about them and talk about them. Most of the things I've shared appeals to him (although he'd never considered a few until I persuasively explained the appeal). One or two didn't appeal at all but even then he agreed to at persue them if that was my wish. At no point did he express dismay or concern. On the flip side, we've had similar conversations with very positive results about his fantasies. It feels good to know that I can trust him enough to be myself and that he knows he can do the same.

To be certain there are better ways than others to share things. I personally prefer to hear these things during times when we are alone and in the context of he and I pursuing these fantasies together. If that's not possible, I want to hear the fantasy in terms of some faceless person. I have in a past relationship learned of fantasies while my partner was staring at someone else and envisioning himself pursuing said fantasy with that particular individual (he was not the brightest bulb in the pack and was certainly quite inconsiderate). Now fantasies are often shared casually, with never any pressure for the other to participate - only a request for acceptance and understanding that this is a small part of what makes us tick. Since we have a relationship-long history of talking about anything and everything - including sex - this has made it easier for us to discuss the more difficult conversational topics.

Do you agree with Dr. Stuttaford? Is it almost always a mistake to share your fantasies unless you know they're shared? I know many have had some bad experiences when revealing these innermost secrets, but I'm wondering in these situations was the problem with all fantasies or just some? Was it the timing/manner in which the fantasy was presented or was it strictly the fantasy itself that made the situation so unappealing? Certainly there are some with partners who are so closed minded or who possess such low self-esteems that the risk would be great on almost any fantasy. But... are most relationships unable to openly address such issues?

ADDENDUM: I've been thinking about this since I wrote this entry yesterday. I don't want anyone to think that I am inferring that everyone should just run out and share their fantasies with their partner. I was merely relating my feelings about my relationship and my experience with this. My primary intent in writing this piece was to stimulate discussion about others' experiences and whether or not they agreed with Stuttaford's statements.