Thought Might Enjoy This

Any truth to this for any of you? :)

What You Said is Not What I Heard

(Painting by Edgar Degas)

As a followup to yesterday's post on male/female communication, I thought I would share a link to an article on MSN, "Why Can't He Hear What You're Saying?" (Thanks L for sending this to me).

The article is a bit lengthy but I found it to be very interesting. In the article the author, Bryan Stipe, makes a number of statements regarding how the average man and woman communicate. Should you have the time and an interest in reading it, I'd love to know how accurate you think his observations are in general, not necessarily how accurate you think they are to you or your partner right now.

(I'm away til Sunday but I'll have someone approve comments a couple of times a day.)

Everything Men Know About Women

Image by DailyInvention (Creative Commons)

After years of research and thousands of personal interviews, Cindy Cashman (under the pseudonym 'Dr Allen Francis') complied and published, "Everything Men Know About Women." More than 1.5 million copies were sold.

The photo above offers an excerpt reflective of the content on every page. That's right - this best selling book consists of 128 blank pages.

First, she's a genius. I wish I had thought of that idea :)

Second, are women really that difficult for men to figure out or is it that we simply don't try to communicate better with one another?

Certainly I think the difficulty in understanding the opposite sex flows both ways. I would explode if I didn't talk about the things that bother me. He on the other hand has to go all quiet for 3-4 days and then suddenly email me in the middle of the day to ask a silly question that has nothing to do with the silence. Said silly question indicates that the issue is resolved, let's move on. There's no discussion later about the issue unless I initiate it. Talking about things that bother him just isn't his way.

There are of course many other things that puzzle me about him and him about me. For the longest time I could not understand why he had to try to "fix" things when I would tell him about a problem. I would say "I want to talk about this" not "will you tell me how to fix this?" Now I realize that translation automatically takes place in his brain. That's just how many men are.

I will admit that sometimes I am difficult. Just a tad ;) Last night I was truly upset about something that had nothing to do with him. I phoned and immediately told him my concerns and concluded my tale by asking,

"Am I over-reacting?"

Dead silence.

"It's ok if I am over-reacting. If I am then that means the problem probably isn't as bad as I think it is."

"Well, I wouldn't say you're over-reacting..."

"No seriously, tell me. Would most anyone else be this upset? Would you be?"

"Well, no, but you're upset because you're a very caring, loving person."

That particular conversation ended well for us, however, depending on what I needed from him at the moment, that conversation could have ended badly. In many situations if I had said, "Am I over-reacting?" I would really mean, "Reassure me that I'm not over-reacting". When he said I was, I'd be upset with him. You see I want him to tell me I'm over-reacting only when I tell him it's ok to say I'm over-reacting. I've never once explained this minefield to him. He was simply tactful enough last night to have avoided it.

Sigh.

It must be hard to be my fella - in good times and in bad ;)

All these upsetting situations could be avoided if we would talk more. The only way he can know more about me and vice versa is for us to talk. While talking is sometimes a risk and sometimes it hurts a lot, in the end I think it's the only thing that will help fill in those blank pages.

Terrific Tush Tuesday

(Note, I should add this entry was inspired by a wonderful post by Susan. Thanks Susan for helping me to remember that sometimes we send messages that we don't mean.)

I love this photo. Not so much because he has a gorgeous gluteus maximus (winking at Nigel), but because in my imagination, he's peeking out the window watching and waiting for his lady. She's phoned and instructed him to be where she likes him to be and how she likes him to be. It's quite easy for me to imagine where things go from there, isn't it for you?

Terrific Tush Tuesday is fun for me, not necessarily because I love looking at all these lovely bottoms (I do) but because the photos usually stir a fantasy of what I want to do with my man. Now.. I love my fella and I find him to be incredibly attractive. I adore his body - every single inch of it. Is his body perfect like the guys in the photos I post every week? Not at all and I wouldn't expect it to be. How many people could and do like the people in these photographs?

He's who he is and I find him - his look, his body style - to be exactly what I want and need. Was his look, his body style exactly what I looked for and what had always turned me on before I met him? In some ways yes and in some ways no. I'm sure he would tell you exactly the same about me. His mind drew me to him and he says mine is what captured him. If we're lucky enough for that to happen, I think we learn to view people through different eyes. The little "imperfections" are not an issue. In fact, sometimes we learn to love those little imperfections as much or more than we would if our lover's body was model perfect.

Joanne Woodward once said, "Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat." I'd add that a man who fires your imagination and makes you think - ah, now that's a treat too.

The Orgasm Gap and Faking It

If you think I was testy yesterday, imagine how irritated I was today to learn college age men orgasm two-and-a-half times more often than college age women. Given that women have the ability to have multiple orgasms then how can they be having orgasms at such a significantly less frequent rate?

Fortunately for me the beauty of being a dominant woman means this is something I do not ever have to worry about ;)

In all seriousness I'm really not at all upset about these latest orgasm-related statistics, but I did think the article was an interesting read and I was a bit surprised by the numbers. According to this study, when male and female college students hook up:

• 44 percent of men orgasm — compared to only 19 percent of their female partners.
• about 16 percent of the time women were much more likely to give oral sex than receive it.
• 25 percent of the time women report having had an orgasm, while the men thought their partners orgasmed 60 percent of the time.
• 97 percent of men have masturbated to orgasm, but only 60 percent of women have done the same.

Obviously statistics don't present a completely accurate view of a situation but I suspect that even if the balance isn't this skewed it is skewed enough to make it an issue worth examining. What do you think leads to such an imbalance? Do you think the age of those surveyed has much to do with the results and if so, is this imbalance likely to increase or decrease as people age?

Aside from the frequency issue consider the stats indicating the number of women who fake orgasms. Were you surprised by those numbers? How concerned are you or have you been with regard to the thought that your partner has/does fake orgasms?

Ramblings

Image creator unknown

It's been a weird couple of days. I feel sort of spacey and quite a bit grouchy. Because of this I have been loathe to do anything that involves much interaction with people. I've ignored the majority of my emails for the past couple of days because I was afraid I'd bite the head off some poor unsuspecting person. It's one thing to be bitchy to someone who wants and expects it, but it's quite another to do it to an innocent party.

That said, I did want to take a moment to respond to a recently submitted comment. In response to my post "Romancing the Lady - Gifts", Mativa remarked:

It is pathetic that you have to tell men not to be f-ing selfish but you do. Most "submissive" men only "submit" to get their kink thrills. Those men who are trying to make their wives Domme them are the worst of all. Doesn't matter she's not comfortable doing it or that she doesn't want to. Makes me sick.

I'd have to say that most of the submissive men I know are simply trying to find their way. It's true that sometimes their way isn't mine, but then again my way is probably not your way. You're right, some are selfish and interested only in having their kink experiences, but that doesn't mean most are that way. Consider the sort of "Domme" figures these men are accustomed to. Usually they're movie/TV dominatrices or online fantasizers/players, both categories of people who cater to male fantasies. Most have little opportunity to interact with a Domme who actually has any real experience in a power exchange relationship. Instead of lumping these men together in one scornfully dismissed blob, I find it more productive to educate them on my point of view and to encourage them to consider the viewpoints of others (Dom/me and submissive) who have lived this.

I will agree that it disturbs me to see men who constantly persist in pushing their wives to dominate them. I understand they have an overwhelming desire to experience the control of the woman they love, but it's a very risky thing to push someone to do something like this. More often than not a woman who is pushed into a corner will either come out fighting or will wither away. Either way the relationship is damaged. If one is determined to introduce female dominance and male submission into a relationship it would seem prudent to proceed slowly and be cognizant of her desires and her ability to take on that role. Some women are just not cut out to dominate. Period. For those who have some affinity for leadership, I would think the "softly, softly, catchee monkey" approach would be the best.

Romancing the Lady - Gifts

Image by Le Croix

Buying gifts for a woman can be a difficult task especially when you have not been given any hints. Sometimes, I give Rook hints. Big ones - like here's a link - go here and look at this! ;) Usually, though, he selects gifts without any prompting and thus far he's done a wonderful job. A silk scarf, opera gloves, a book of poetry by Byron.. all things that "fit" me and all gifts that were inspired by something said during one of our many conversations. The reason for the silk scarf is obvious to anyone who has listened to my MP3s. The inspiration to purchase the opera gloves stemmed from a discussion about a Steve Martin movie in which he gifted a beautiful pair of black opera gloves to a salesgirl and later made love to her while she was wearing them. He knew when he bought these things that I'd love them because he pays attention to what I say and how I feel about things.

There have also been times when he's presented me with kinkier gifts. He knows I enjoy toys and he hasn't been shy about helping to build my collection. However not once has he purchased something without hearing me say that I wanted it. All this is great because he's doing these things for me - not because he is manipulating me in order to allow himself the opportunity to experience the item.

Occasionally I hear men mention the gifts they purchase for their partner's birthday, Christmas, anniversary, and so on. Sometimes I am touched by their creativity or their thoughtfulness. At others I find myself wondering how in the world they've managed to convince themselves that it's a gift for anyone other than themselves. Unless she particularly mentions a CB3000 and how much she's just dying for one, I'd think that sort of gift would usually not really be for her. The same for some sort of sexy garment that is way out of the ordinary for what she wears. Come on... in most circumstances we all know who these types of gifts are really for. Should they be surprised when they receive a less than enthusiastic response? Often these fellows are not only disappointed but they become resentful when she shows no interest at all in the gift.

If he wants that sort of thing for himself, why not just ask her to give it to him as his gift? Wouldn't she then be much more likely to consider actually using the item? Even then, I'd think this tactic would only work if she was open to the idea in the first place.

Where Are All the Good Submissive Men?

I've heard some people remark lately that there are very few "good, single, submissive men". While it's true there are a lot of misguided men out there sporting the submissive label, I've met and am friends with a number who are simply delightful - strong, sexy, honest, intelligent men who can take care of themselves, who submit because they choose to, not because they have to. They're also men who have professed difficulties in finding the right dominant woman. I wonder why these two groups have such trouble at times finding one another?

Perhaps it's a difference in what each seek? I'm not really sure what the dominant women are expecting as I'm not really close to any females. I do know that most of my submissive guy friends are not really masochists but instead are into the more mental aspects of D/s. Is this a drawback when seeking a Domme? I really don't know. For me it isn't an issue when a man isn't a masochist because I'm not a sadist. Still.. I also hear masochists bemoaning the fact that there are very few female sadists.

What are your thoughts? If you're currently in a relationship now, was it difficult for you to find "the one"? If you're not in a committed relationship now is it from lack of desire to do so or more from an inability to find the right person?

Do you agree with those who profess they're really just aren't many Dommes or "good submissive men" who are looking for a relationship?

Is it simply that fewer people are wanting to commit now than in the past?

Or, is it something else all together?

From the Comments Section - The "Weak" Domme

Lately I've been simply deleting those post comments that are clearly meant to be rude. I could site a variety of reasons for doing so, but essentially they just got old. In spite of this, I do want to say that I continue to have the desire to encourage open discourse. I enjoy reading the comments of those who agree with me, but I also welcome dissenting point of views as long as they aren't patently rude. I believe this is how intelligent people interact.

Today "Dick" offered a dissenting but not really rude comment in response to my post "Home Again and Other Things". Since this is unusual for "Dick" I thought I'd respond. He remarked,

Some people feel Dommes should never show any weakness to their submissives. You obviously need a strong man. Does this need diminish your relationship? How can you be in control of him when you aren't around him or talking to him?

I thought I would post my reply here because his view about Dommes' revealing their weaknesses to their submissives seems to be shared by a number of other men.

First, let me clarify: I don't need a man. I can survive without a partner and did so for several years. Yes sometimes I lean on him for comfort or reassurance when life gets a bit overwhelming, but it's because I choose to. I can. If he wasn't there for me I wouldn't fall apart. I consider being able to share the difficult things in life a perk of being in a loving relationship. This has not ever diminished my control over him nor his respect for me. He's grounded and reasonable.

Your second question puzzles me. He's not a two year old child. He's an intelligent, mature man. Even in the strictest D/s relationships the Domme is not standing over the submissive 24/7 telling him what to do. That's where training comes in. I've trained him to know what I want in many instances and in those areas where he is unsure, he strives.

I really do not understand those of you who purport that a Domme is essentially perfect. She's a perfect size 6, is always eager to cane you, slap your face, and spill her golden nectar into your mouth no matter what is happening in her life. She never shows she's afraid or emotional. She never makes mistakes (at least if she does, she doesn't acknowledge them). When I read about such expectations I often wonder if men who allege that Dommes are this sort of "perfect" have ever had even a nodding acquaintance with a real woman, Domme or not.

Dommes are not perfect. We're people just like everyone. If I chose to I suppose I could project this fake persona of perfection when with my submissive and then find my occasional need for support from someone else, but why would I choose to do so? He's my partner. Supporting each other is what partners do.

Except, of course, in cheesy femdom fiction.

Home Again and Other Things

Image creator Olivia DeBerardini

I would have posted this image yesterday but I wanted to give Dan's tush a spot all its own ;)

Things seem calmer now with my parents so Bill and I were able to return home this afternoon. I'm going to write a bit, catch up on a couple of blogs, and then take a nap out by the pool. (The forecast for today proclaimed there would be "abundant sunshine". Who can pass on that? :) Later I'll post some more interview questions, answer some that have been asked of me, and try to respond to some of the email I've received the past few days.

On the way home I was thinking about my fella and how much I miss him. It's during busy times like these that I realize how happy I am and how appreciative I am that he is so strong. Not necessarily so that I can lean on him (although emotionally he is always there when I am upset), but because I know his surrender doesn't require me to tell him every single thing to do or even anything to do on a daily basis. He's an adult and he carries on doing what he needs to do regardless of my immediate direction. With things that pertain to us, he merely asks himself what he believes I would want and that is what he does. He's been trained well so he knows what to do in my absence and he continues to feel my control. Actually, it's all quite simple.

He's also understanding if there is nothing overtly D/s or sexual occurring between us during those times when life becomes so hectic. There's no manipulation of any sort including no attempts to make me feel guilty. He knows eventually things will come back to a more playful, sexy normalcy and he waits without complaint.

When things return to normal he knows that he'll receive a delicious reward for his understanding behavior. I am certain that right now he's wondering what will be happening in the near future. That sweet torment begins again and thanks to him we can both enjoy it.

I love you my dearest pet. You're wonderful.

Holy Batmoblie! ( or Terrific Tush Tuesday)

I always thought tattoos were ok but they didn't particularly turn me on. I think I just changed my mind ;)

Gotta love men who enjoy serving for the sake of serving. "Wax your car darling? Of course! I'd be happy to! Pleasing you makes me feel so very good." Happy service is a big plus mark in the "yes" column on the "should I dominate my partner"question. No reminding, no nagging, no arguing - he does things because he enjoys doing them for me. So many women spend years just trying to get their man to pick his underwear up off the floor. Not so in a FemDom relationship :) Thankfully so, because as Neil Chethik says, “More than anything, women want men to be aware and contribute. It is not sexy to feel like his mother.”