More About Empowering Your Lady To Dominate

Image Creator Unknown
Thanks to my friend Pascal for editing and
improving my copy of the image

Two or three days ago I shared a few thoughts on "Empowering Your Lady to Lead". As a followup to that, I wanted to reference an article by Ms Rika entitled, "Tips For Enjoying D/s When You're Not a Dominatrix." I found this to be a very thought provoking, well written article and wanted to share it with those of you who were interested. One paragraph in particular stood out to me - a paragraph written to the wives/partners of men who wish to be dominated.

"You can't pretend it doesn't exist. It's not going to go away…if you don't handle it, it will fester and look for a release."

It sounds simple when you read it, but I think it's something that many haven't considered. Either that or perhaps they have hidden their head in the sand and refused to consider it. There are a large number of married (or in a committed relationship) men that contact me asking questions or seeking advice about D/s, BDSM, etc. Many of these men are seeking to be dominated in some fashion. Most of them don't want to cheat and most of them love their wives. But- most of them are unfulfilled and believe they have no choice but to explore outside their relationships because their wives are unwilling to even discuss domination in any form. Putting aside whatever moral issues some may have with that, the truth remains - many are searching, reaching out to find what they need. Instead of ignoring the reality, perhaps it's time to find a palatable way to compromise? I'm certainly not suggesting that a woman feel forced to become something that she clearly is not. I'm merely suggesting that perhaps if viewed from a slightly more vanilla point of view as suggested by Ms Rika, then some couples may find they are able to find a happy medium between what he wants and what she feels she is able and willing to do.

Of course, as I've said before, I'm not an expert on this subject. I'm just tossing out food for thought. There's also a discussion on this topic on the FetishLore.com forum that offers varying points of view (pro and con) on this subject.

Empowering Your Lady To Lead

If you're a man who is desirous of empowering your partner to lead but are not certain how to broach the subject, then pop over to Mrs. Claudia's blog and read her very well written article, "How to Approach Your Wife About D/s".

As she states, this information is strictly her opinion. There's no perfect way to introduce this subject to a spouse. Her article is designed to offer you insight into what worked (and didn't work) for she and her husband. I thought she did a wonderful job, but like her, I'm not an expert in introducing D/s to a spouse. Certainly what she said rang home with me.

We were discussing this subject in my Yahoo Group this week and I tossed out a few things to consider when in this situation. Again, just my thoughts.

• Being thoughtful and less selfish is the best way to start. Everyone wants to feel special. For many women, attention and thoughtful actions and comments is one very good way to help them feel special. Once a woman feels special to her man, then she is more inclined to be open to leading or dominating.
• She needs to feel sexy. Maybe not to the whole world, but to her man she is hot hot hot. The sexier she feels, the sexier she'll behave.
• She needs to feel as if *she* is what is most important, not the sex or your kink. Sex and kink are good but they can't be more important than your lady.
• It's about her, not about the toys. If she's sexy "when she uses x", it's not her that's sexy - it's the toy. The toys are the icing on an already perfectly delicious cake.
• She needs to feel it is ok not do this perfectly. (Especially for someone new to this).
• She needs to trust that you will tell her what you feel about what's happening as you each begin to explore.
• She needs to know you think it's perfectly natural for a woman to lead. Women do lead all the time in relationships - we all know it, however women are often taught not to be overt about it. She needs to know being overt with her control is ok.
• She needs to know you don't expect her to take control 100 percent of the time. If she wants to, great, but taking control is a big responsibility and in spite of what many say, it can be a lot of work. She needs to know you'll be ok with what level of control you receive until (and only if) she wants to take more control. The fastest way to make a woman say "no way" to dominating is to push her.

Obviously there's no one set of things that will work for every woman, so if you're considering broaching this subject with your partner, use common sense and use what you already know about her.

The Gift

It's late... or early... at any rate I can't sleep. I've been lying here listening to music (mostly Christmas music) and thinking about a lot of different things. I should be answering emails or writing something witty for my group, but I am just not focusing for some reason. My mind keeps drifting back to the lyrics of one of the first songs I heard tonight.

The Gift

- by Colin Raye, Jim Brickman

Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are
turning on like a fairy tale come true
Sittin’ by the fire we made
You’re the answer when I prayed
I would find someone and baby I found
you

And all I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more
everyday
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love
away
And I’m thankful everyday
For the gift

Watching as you
softly sleep
What I’d give if I could keep
Just this moment if only time
stood still
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us gray
But baby in my eyes you’ll still be beautiful

And all I want is to
hold you forever
All I need is you more everyday
You saved my heart from
being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful everyday
For the gift

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you
more everyday
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your
love away
And I’m thankful everyday
Can’t find the words to say
Thank you for the gift

There's so much tenderness and love in these words. Perhaps the lines that touched me most were "But the colors fade away, And the years will make us gray, But baby in my eyes you’ll still be beautiful". Those are the words to touch a woman's heart. Maybe not all women but at least to me and to my friends. We want to know you find us beautiful and you always will. I think women who feel that way are far more confident, sexier, and much more likely to want to take the initiative to control their men sexually because sexy and confident is what it takes to feel comfortable taking control.

You don't have to write beautiful lyrics, but you can say and do things that show you love her and think she's sexy - just like she is - not just when she's dominating you. I remember when I found out that my chronic illness was getting a bit worse. I talked to Rook and told him that I wondered if maybe it wouldn't be better for him to move on to a relationship with someone who was healthier. He didn't hesitate, but instead quietly asked, "Remember that line from that Steel Magnolias movie you love so much? 'I'd rather have fifteen minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.' I'm not going anywhere as long as you want me to be here." How could I help but to feel loved, desired, and beautiful to him after that? Even though we were already involved in a FemDom relationship, that statement and his actions that demonstrated he meant what he said served to empower me even more.

If you're in a relationship and you are wanting to encourage your wife to consider taking a more dominant role, ask yourself - am I doing everything I can to help her see how loved she is? Does she see how confident and sexy I think she is - just like she is right now? If not, isn't it time to show her?