Orgasm Control Part Two: Tease and Denial
(Continued from yesterday - more thoughts from Pete Mitchell.)
Email #2 Prologue: The following day… notice that my thoughts are less about the physical aspect of the Experience, and more about the mental component. I’m asking more questions… I think the realization that there is more to this than “I get aroused when I listen to her mp3’s” is setting in.
Today… I read a story or two on the Erotic Mind Control Archives website, which proved to be a mistake the minute I remembered there would be no masturbation in the near future. Shortly thereafter, my phone rings, I see “Private,” get a twinge in my shorts, but had to wait about ½ hour to check the voicemail.
So by the time I checked it, the anticipation coupled with the arousal generated by the call itself (since I knew it was you), and the stories I’d read… well, I was all shades of tingly all over. I dialed, it rang, and with each ring my heart sank a little… please pick up. But it wasn’t to be…. And that’s fine. I’m not the one making the rules here. I could picture you sitting by the phone, seeing it was me, grinning…. And letting it ring. I consoled myself with that picture, of you, pleased and gently smiling, knowing my need, and showing me I was capable of handling it, just for you.
I wrote yesterday that I felt more intensity to the masturbation sessions because I was told I should do it, as opposed to not doing it. In comparison, today has been tough. As mentioned, I’m all wound up and ready to go, but I won’t. Now, is that increased need just the result of the previously mentioned “stimuli”… or is it because I can’t, and I’m more aware and thinking about it constantly? I’m not sure. Maybe that’s one of your “secrets”… keep a man busy asking questions of himself, and he will not question his Lady? Hmmm…
So once again I find myself, figuratively, sitting at your feet, quite enamored by your soft presence in my mind. I should tell you any pretense of resistance has long since disappeared. I felt myself relaxing just listening to your voicemail a couple times … and welcomed its effect on me. As I type, I feel myself getting hard again, knowing full well that release will not come for some time.
Another question, then… am “I” controlling anything? Am I a stronger person, or weak because I bend so easily to your will, putting aside my own need to release, which trust me, wouldn’t take long to accomplish right now.
I think I can answer that one, I guess I’m trying to respond to your request to explain how I feel during this “experience”, I hope this is okay.
I feel a sense of strength that comes from knowing I can control my body against one of its more primal urges, if it is your will for me to do so. Could I do so without your “influence?” I don’t know, but I don’t think that’s the point. Your guidance shows me that I can do something, and do it quite easily, something that I’m not sure I could, or would, do on my own. You know, like walking around a social event with a symbol of my submissiveness tied around my cock. Or, as in the case at hand, keep my hardness tucked away in my shorts until I have permission (I got a shiver throughout my body just typing that word) to release.
In short, it seems that I am quite content and, in fact, desire to give you the power in the relationship, in exchange what I see as benefits. Would everyone see that as a benefit, or a fair trade-off? I doubt it… is that willingness the essence of being submissive?
Am I thinking too much here?
Email #3 Prologue: Okay…today, you caught me off guard with a post on the message board that totally captured my imagination. It appears, however, that that was enough blood remaining in my cranium to form a few thoughts and questions. I really spent a lot of time thinking about the “duality” issue another person in the forum mentioned regarding control... I didn’t feel I was experiencing the same thing and I actually spent a good deal of time trying to decide if that was a good thing, or a bad thing. Notice too, that this email is completely about you, your post entry and the Experience… nothing about me, my day, etc.
In one of your posts on the message board, you wrote:
"when next I touch myself, I will think about how exciting it is think of you being so obedient.. so denied.. all because of my temporary but very strong control over you. Yum :) "
I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful, ma'am... but... Do you have ANY idea the shot of adreneline that went through my chest, and how fast I went from flaccid to hard as a rock when I read that?!?! I imagine you probably just typed that sentence without thinking too much about it, but I will be curious to see if anyone else responds with a similar reaction, and quite surprised if they don't. In the time it's taken me to copy that sentence, open an email and paste it in, and type these comments, I've got a pretty significant wet spot on my shorts (this is not a bladder control issue, just sayin'..).
Wow. I imagine my reaction was "amplified" somewhat by the "Experience" and denial I'm going through right now... but still... wow.
In another post, you pondered whether others felt the same regarding the "duality" of the situation. No disrespect the the poster, I understand what he's describing and in fact I think he said it very well... but I'm really not feeling the sense of duality/contradiction.
For me, this has been a very "I want to obey, "I want to serve" without any hint of "I don't want to..." attached to any of it. Again, I'm not passing any judgment on how anybody feels... just relaying my own. It does make me wonder if there is a difference in reaction dependent on how long someone has listened to your mp3's. For someone like me, who has enjoyed opening my submissive side to your wonderful voice and charms for several years, perhaps one would not expect any of the "I do/I don't" duality, because I simply accept your words
Whether that's an effect of the "length of training", or a matter of trust built over time, or a combination of both... well, I guess that's another question, too.
While they are interesting questions to ponder, I am happy that, for whatever reason, I readily accept your control and the idea that you would think of that while touching yourself is one of the most erotic thoughts that has ever flared through my mind and body.
Email #4 Prologue: This email is at the end of the Experience, and you asked for our thoughts. I think it speaks for itself. I would only add that your graciousness and generosity in sharing yourself and your time are true gifts, and could only come from a woman for whom any man should be proud to bow before.
Continuing to follow your instructions, I came home at the end of the day and got the Surrender mp3 fired up. First of course, I got undressed, tied the ribbon back on, and knelt by the bed, back straight, arms at the side, head bowed, just like you've instructed. I kind of let my mind wander as to what, if anything, I've learned about myself with this "experience."
The phrase "good boy" kept coming into my thoughts, I suppose because my mind associates that phrase with me being on my knees? Maybe. I seem to have more questions than answers for you. I thought about how much I enjoy opening myself to you in this submissive way, and why, and all I could think of was "because you enjoy it." It wasn't about me, or what it does to me erotically… it was about you and your happiness. I suppose that goes a long way toward defining a submissive's mindset, so it has seemed to clarify my submissive nature, at least as it relates to you. As I've said before, I think it would be fair to say that few people in my personal or professional life would use the term "submissive" to describe me.
I had one other thought about this experience… not that I really had any doubt, but it has definitely shown me that the dominant role you play in my mind isn't just a little fantasy I've allowed to take place in my mind because it excites me sexually. I've listened to the mp3's repeatedly, and love the resulting feelings, and well, bodily responses. But this is something new… and I did wonder if I would respond to email directives and an entirely different set of instructions.
I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about it now… the reality of your control, when you want it, over my mind and body. When I settled into "Surrender" tonight, I could feel the depth of it immediately. Your words hit my brain and it simply knows: obedience to her. I laid there, limp body, rock hard cock, throbbing, pre-cum dripping down onto my abdomen… and while I was highly aroused, aware of the urgent need for release, it never entered my thoughts to touch myself and make it happen, and it wouldn't take more than a couple strokes. You would never know I did it… but again, it never crossed my mind.
I'm not trying to turn this into a sex story, and I know this is all happening in a fantasy world… but my obedience to you has been so "reinforced" by this type of thing… masturbating every day because you said so, not masturbating because you said so, not touching, kneeling naked in my bedroom, wearing a red ribbon, and so on… these have all shown me that my submissiveness is beyond a "willingness" to serve, and is to a "need" to serve. My desire to please you is actually greater than my desire to release, one of the most primal urges a man can have. And I find myself taking pride in saying that, hoping for nothing more than it brings a smile to your face.
As gracious and caring as you are, I imagine you may read that and feel some concern that my thoughts may impact other areas of my life, or prove to be a burden to you, which I would never, never want. So, I do want to assure you that none of what I have said changes who I think I am, who I am to my family, friends, my career, or anything else. It is all said through the framework of a very specific "window" in my life.
But among these things that make up my life, I have found this window, and it opens to a quiet, wonderful, trusting place in my mind and heart. When I choose to open that window, and you allow me to open that window, I do so with the desire to step through, quietly kneel before you, and obey you in whatever way may please you..
- Pete Mitchell