Softly Softly Catchee Monkey

I'm guessing you suspected I wouldn't be writing today, didn't you? I honestly thought that perhaps I might not even though I've been doing pretty well with my resolve to write every day. Bill had chemo today and as you can imagine that's a rough day for him and for me. He's been quietly resting for a couple of hours now and because of this I was able to speak with Rook for awhile and also find a moment to jot down a few thoughts here for you.

Rook's a really good man. He's not just my submissive and lover, he's my friend. He knows how difficult things have been so he's been a bit more of a rascal lately (teasing and laughing, telling me tall tales to see how gullible I really am, etc). It's just something we do to relieve some of the stress - especially when we don't have the time or energy for the more physical forms of stress relief ;) In the midst of all this teasing I laughingly informed him that he was becoming just a bit too bratty and if he wasn't careful, the next time he is with me, I will have a long list of infractions and he'll be spanked - a lick for each infraction. (The mere mention of the word "lick" took my rascal off on a tangent of just where he'd like to lick ;) After a few very warm and arousing moments I steered the conversation back to spankings. I thought it time I assess how we each felt about adding that sort of activity to our play.

I've never been a believer in spanking a submissive as a form of discipline. He's a grown man and if he's "into" spanking doing so would only reinforce negative behaviors. If he's not into it, he's a grown man and some form of verbal intervention should be most effective. Usually I just tell him when I'm upset or displeased, we talk it out, and things change. Pretty simple. (This is only my opinion and I only consider it valid for myself and my partner - no judgments are being cast on others.)

Spanking for pleasure on the other hand is something that has definitely interested me in the past, but with Rook it's never really been a part of our D/s interactions. He's always been more than willing to accept it, but he's admittedly honestly that it doesn't do a thing for him. Well.. for me, that just makes it no fun at all. Controlling his mind and his pleasure is what excites me most.

When I was teasing him earlier about accruing licks on his "reasons I'm getting spanked" list, I remarked that I thought he was deliberately trying to get "into trouble" to add to his "punishment". Something in his voice changed a bit. If I didn't know him so well, I would have missed it. To my surprise, there's a bit of an interest there in playful paddling, enough so that he was a bit excited talking about it (and he certainly wasn't the only one).

All this made me think about our relationship - where we are now compared to where we when we first came together. Things I never thought I'd like - I love. He's the same way. (I know you've heard all that before but it seemed to really strike home hard tonight.) I think that it's a good sign that we're growing together as a couple. There's probably also some wisdom in there for anyone who might be attempting to get their partner to be a bit more interested in FemDom related things. Give her time. Don't push her. If you're patient, she may evolve slowly like I did and in turn, you may as well. A "no" today may not mean "no" forever. Softly, softly catchee monkey ;)

Smiles. You'll forgive me if this is a bit rambley, won't you? I'm very tired and sleepy, but I wanted to write this down while it was on my mind.

Submissive Needs

Recently in my group someone mentioned that he was concerned about putting his needs first and that by doing so, this was making him a "bad submissive".

I think that there's a very unhealthy theory running through some of the D/s community that says that the relationship has to be all about the Dom/me and that the submissive isn't a "good submissive" if he/sh is concerned about their own needs.

If you're a submissive, being concerned about your needs is healthy. We all have emotional, physical, and cognitive needs and to deny them is to put ourselves at
least to some degree of risk. In my idea of a healthy D/s relationship the submissive is trusting the dominant to take control of some* (or all) of his/her needs and to decide how and when these needs are met. It doesn't mean these needs are not important or that they should be completely ignored in favor of the Dom/me's needs. The dominant is also in control of how the submissive meets the dominant's needs. He/she is responsible for maintaining the balance required in order to insure that both are healthy and happy.

Continual total selflessness may sound great in fantasy but I would question how healthy any individual would be upon attempting to put this in practice. I'd also question how long total selflessness could be sustained.

(*When I say some of their needs, keep in mind that not everyone chooses to surrender total control of every need nor does every Domme wish to have that much control. This doesn't make their relationship more or less "real" - it's simply their choice of what works to make them both happy.)

Maintaining Perspective

Yesterday I mentioned that I'd informed Rook that I didn't think we should exchange gifts for Valentine's Day. After a few moments yesterday morning of "oh I wish I hadn't said that" it wasn't a big deal - until last night.

I called and we talked for a few minutes and then I whispered, "Happy Valentine's Day". He responded with the expected words and then immediately launched into a spiel about how stressed he was because of work. For a just a few moments it was as if my emotions were at war. I wasn't sure whether to be angry, disappointed, or sad. I suppose I was a little of all three. Where was the romantic speak? The appreciation for the wonderful woman in his life? Damn it - it's Valentine's Day - do I have to tell him to be romantic???

As he continued to speak, all the things he was worried about - work, some personal issues, and so on - all just came pouring out. I listened and offered what support I could and as I did all my anger, disappointment, and sadness dissipated. He was so stressed that I could have cut the tension with a knife. When I recognized this I realized his need was far more important to me than some silly holiday. After all he shows me all the time that he loves me and thinks I'm the sexiest woman alive. I don't have to always be the center of attention, not even on the days that commercialism infers that I should be.

On some other blogs and in comments from members in my group I often read that some hold the idea that a submissive should not be worried about his needs, how he should only focus on his Mistress and should always put her needs first. While that may sound great to some as a fantasy, things are just not really like that. At least... in my opinion it shouldn't be that way if the two are in a loving relationship. Sometimes I have to put his needs first if his needs are weightier than mine.

Being in control is great, but it carries a lot of responsibility. I can't be so demanding and taking that I disregard what he needs emotionally and physically. He's mine, I love him, and his happiness is important to me. I don't see how we could have a healthy, happy relationship if I felt any other way.