Where's My Houseboy?

Wow - what a day. Where is my naked houseboy when I need him? Last night I slept four hours for the second night in a row so I was tired to begin with and then this is the first time I've stopped working since I woke up. Several times throughout the morning I found myself wondering if maybe I'm not a little nuts *not* to take advantage of some of the offers that I receive.

Oh wait. Sigh. I get paid to do this stuff along with doing nursing care for Bill. Think he'd object to my bringing in a naked houseboy?

Well, at least I can dream ;) It'll energize me to think about how easy it would be to take someone to a place where it was arousing to do all sorts of things (including the things I really hate like cleaning the toilet and the cat litter box). The process of training him would be soooo much fun ;)

Well...

Doesn't this just fire up the old imagination?

How Lady Julia Got Her Groove Back

No, I haven't taken a Jamaican trip and hooked up with a strapping young islander, but I do think I am getting my groove back at least a little. It probably doesn't make much sense, but even though I'm still very sad about certain aspects of my life, I've been sad for so long that it seems as if my mind and body have said, "Hey look - you can't be this way forever. Look over here - this feels good and it's probably a whole lot of fun." In other words, I'm starting to find a bit of laughter and wickedness again.

Over the last couple of days I've had a little fun by calling a few friends and leaving friendly little messages on their voicemail when I knew they couldn't answer the phone. (Now - if you are one of the recipients of these voicemails - shh, that's private between me and you.) They weren't tooooo naughty of messages, really. An example might be... "I hope you're having a good week and that you're behaving yourself." Then - I'd laugh that little naughty laugh I have and would continue. " Of course you have - because you're a good boy - a very good boy - and I know that a good boy like you must be behaving. Mmmm.. now I like that. It's nice to know that you're such a good boy." Then I'd laugh that naughty little laugh again and hang up. Of course that particular message only works for men who have listened to my MP3s enough that certain parts of their bodies respond well to that phrase ;) SO much fun :) I loved thinking about how they reacted and where they were when they listened!

Then, to make things even more fun, a couple of them called me back right away - anxious to talk about what very good boys they were being - and I didn't answer. I let it go to voicemail. Can you imagine that anyone would think me evil for doing this? *innocent look*

Smiles - if you haven't received a friendly message from me yet (or maybe even if you have), then perhaps you will or will again... maybe while you're at work or in the grocery store - who knows where you'll be, what I'll say, and how you'll react? ;) If I have your number and you're my friend.. well it could just happen.

I'm planning on doing another "experience" soon as well. I always love doing that. I've realized that the more I do that I enjoy, the more alive I will feel and the happier I will be. Smiles - the happier quite a few people will be, come to think of it ;)

What If....

I was reading Unspeakable Axe's blog earlier (his blog is interesting - take a peek if you have time). In one of his entries he posed some thought provoking questions to himself and of course, subsequently stimulated those same questions in the minds of many of his readers.

What if there’s a choice between being really kinky and being with someone? What if the choice was being submissive and alone or being vanilla and with someone you adore? What if the choice was to act vanilla and not be alone or be true to myself and risk always being alone?

Perhaps this isn't the best time for me to ponder question - nevertheless I did. To answer this hypothetically seems almost impossible, yet many people make real life decisions about these questions every day.

I'm lucky - I realize that. As a Domme, it's unlikely I would have to sacrifice one for the other, but... hypothetically what would happen if I met someone who seemed perfect for me in every way except that he hadn't a kinky bone in his body? (Is there a man without a kinky bone in his body? Another interesting question.) Would I pursue the relationship? Right now of course I probably wouldn't even notice the guy existed but under different circumstances - well, I just don't know. The kink isn't massively important to me. I can go the rest of my life without cock collars, orgasm control, and bondage. I really enjoy those things but I could live without them. What I can't imagine changing is the need to be in control of certain aspects of my life and his including the sexual aspect. I doubt I could change being persuasive even if I tried. It happens without my thinking.

Is being dominant who I am or how I am? Perhaps semantics, but there seems to be a small difference there. The first seems to denote no choice, the second seems to infer there is one. I tend to think it's the first since I've been a bit bossy since I was ... oh... about five or six. I doubt one can change a behavior of 40 years.

Then I think... what if I were a submissive man? Would I choose being alone over being in a vanilla relationship if I were as submissive as I am actually dominant? I think I could go without the kink, but kink seems to be really important to kinky guys. I don't think I'd want to be alone - that desire to be adored is too strong in me. Still - if I were a submissive guy, would that desire to be adored be that strong? I think so - I think that's a really strong desire in most people, but.. who knows? I think if I were a submissive man I'd have to at least be with a woman who was a bit bossy.

Well... there. Six paragraphs of rambling and nary a conclusion or profound statement made. Just thinking and taking you along for the ride :) I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject. If you're a blogger and you respond on your own blog, please let me know - I want to hear what you have to say.

Where Are All the Good Submissive Men?

I've heard some people remark lately that there are very few "good, single, submissive men". While it's true there are a lot of misguided men out there sporting the submissive label, I've met and am friends with a number who are simply delightful - strong, sexy, honest, intelligent men who can take care of themselves, who submit because they choose to, not because they have to. They're also men who have professed difficulties in finding the right dominant woman. I wonder why these two groups have such trouble at times finding one another?

Perhaps it's a difference in what each seek? I'm not really sure what the dominant women are expecting as I'm not really close to any females. I do know that most of my submissive guy friends are not really masochists but instead are into the more mental aspects of D/s. Is this a drawback when seeking a Domme? I really don't know. For me it isn't an issue when a man isn't a masochist because I'm not a sadist. Still.. I also hear masochists bemoaning the fact that there are very few female sadists.

What are your thoughts? If you're currently in a relationship now, was it difficult for you to find "the one"? If you're not in a committed relationship now is it from lack of desire to do so or more from an inability to find the right person?

Do you agree with those who profess they're really just aren't many Dommes or "good submissive men" who are looking for a relationship?

Is it simply that fewer people are wanting to commit now than in the past?

Or, is it something else all together?

Honorifics

Image creator unknown

Words are powerful. We may not all consciously recognize this fact but it's true nonetheless. If it wasn't then advertising, marketing, and PR companies wouldn't rake in billions each year choosing just the right words to elicit the targeted responses their employers seek. Because of my background in the psychiatric field and especially because of my work with hypnosis, I have a special interest in the power of words.

Lately I've been thinking a little about honorifics in particular. Mistress, Ma'am, Master, Lord, Sir, Lady - there are many. Some seem to truly enjoy their use while others scoff and infer that only the arrogant and misinformed are drawn to them. My thoughts on their general use lie, as with most things in life, under the category of "whatever works best for you".

Before I delve into why the use of honorifics is appealing to me under certain circumstances, allow me to offer a bit of background information. When I first began chatting in hypno D/s chat rooms, I selected the moniker of "Lady Julia". Primarily, as with most who choose a pseudonym, I wanted to preserve my privacy. While some may be comfortable using their true names online, I most decidedly am not. I am not ashamed of who I am, but I have parents and family who wouldn't understand my sexual proclivities in the slightest. Family interactions even in the best of families is not an easy thing, so I say why make it worse? Also, there are some very real nuts out there. (I know, I know - hardly a shocking statement.) I figured why make it easier for them to find me? Still an alias is something many people on line choose to affect. This doesn't explain my choice of "Lady" Julia, something many consider a demand for the use of an honorific.

If you've never chatted online using a female ID or if there are very few people online who know you, you probably can't completely identify with my reasoning. Not only am I a female with an online presence, but many, many people know of me. They've heard my voice, they're read my words. They feel as if they actually know me while they remain behind this very comfortable shroud of anonymity. This imbalance often leads many to feel safe in saying whatever they want whenever they want. Additionally, some seem to feel being a Domme is akin to being someone who is slutty. Combined, this has left me the target of some very rude, very vulgar comments. I chose the "Lady" part of my online persona not as an honorific or to infer that I was above others but to hopefully remind them that I am indeed a Lady and to kindly treat me with the same amount of respect with which I try to treat everyone.

(To round out the rest of that story, the "Julia" part of the nickname was chosen because it was the name of a character on a TV show I was watching the night I needed to choose my "mask". It sounded classy and sexy at the same time and I liked that. It's been quite some time since I've frequented chat rooms - I just don't have the time. Still, having chosen that particular ID and becoming known by it, it's mine to live with now for as long as I have any sort of web presence.)

So that's the take on what my online "honorific" type of name means. It isn't/wasn't designed to be any sort of honorific, it was a protective device. It didn't accomplish part of the goal - men still at times say some pretty unbelievable things to me, but it does serve the function of shielding my privacy a little.

As for the use of honorifics in my personal life, I admit that I do have a deep fondness for hearing my fella addressing me as "Mistress". It's not usually a term spoken by either of us unless during intimate times or during those times when I've pushed one of his submissive buttons. The rest of the time he simply calls me by name. During intimate moments "Mistress" is often a term of affection, just like darling, honey, sweetie, etc. and it also serves as a verbal reinforcer (along with my demeanor) that I'm in charge sexually.

Additionally, part of the source for the power stemming from the use of this word pre-dates our relationship. Because of information presented online and through TV shows and movies, he (like many submissive men) has been conditioned to associate the word "Mistress" with power, control, sexuality, and ownership. This has left the term to function as a springboard to a more submissive plane in his mind, whether he uses it or whether he hears me say it.

As for me, hearing him call me "Mistress" or referring to myself as such often makes me tremble slightly and almost always arouses me. I suppose this is one of the primary reasons I don't like just anyone using that phrase with me - it's something that is very intimate. I think my reaction to the word probably stems from reasons quite similar to his. The term was among the first I heard used when I began reading more about female dominance and male submission. So, even before I first heard the term uttered in reference to me, I had some preconceived notions about the power and sexuality of the word. Since then during some very intimate times, times in which I felt that delicious sense of sexy control, I've heard him moan or whisper "my Mistress". No wonder I tingle all over and often feel my body respond when I hear that!

I can't close a post about honorifics without momentarily mentioning those delicious submissivey sort of terms. Just as the word "Mistress" works so well for us when referring to me, there are expressions that work very well when I'm referring to him. I've mentioned before that verbal assertions of control are important to many submissives. The same can be said for many when hearing phrases like pet, toy, boy, slave, submissive, fuck toy, slut, bitch, etc. I don't use the words slut or bitch but that's our personal preference. Some of the other terms tease out arousal at times and a deepening of submissive feelings during others. Sometimes both. It depends on the situation and the tone and inflection of my voice.

All in all, we could interact without the use of any of these words. We can and do use our names with the same degree of love, lust, respect, control and/or surrender. These terms just add a splash of variety while achieving the same response.

Submissive Needs

Recently in my group someone mentioned that he was concerned about putting his needs first and that by doing so, this was making him a "bad submissive".

I think that there's a very unhealthy theory running through some of the D/s community that says that the relationship has to be all about the Dom/me and that the submissive isn't a "good submissive" if he/sh is concerned about their own needs.

If you're a submissive, being concerned about your needs is healthy. We all have emotional, physical, and cognitive needs and to deny them is to put ourselves at
least to some degree of risk. In my idea of a healthy D/s relationship the submissive is trusting the dominant to take control of some* (or all) of his/her needs and to decide how and when these needs are met. It doesn't mean these needs are not important or that they should be completely ignored in favor of the Dom/me's needs. The dominant is also in control of how the submissive meets the dominant's needs. He/she is responsible for maintaining the balance required in order to insure that both are healthy and happy.

Continual total selflessness may sound great in fantasy but I would question how healthy any individual would be upon attempting to put this in practice. I'd also question how long total selflessness could be sustained.

(*When I say some of their needs, keep in mind that not everyone chooses to surrender total control of every need nor does every Domme wish to have that much control. This doesn't make their relationship more or less "real" - it's simply their choice of what works to make them both happy.)

Maintaining Perspective

(I can't remember where I found this photo so if I lifted it from your blog or site, I'm sorry for not crediting you. I just loved it!)

Recently I received the following email from a man who had joined my YahooGroup and downloaded at least some of my MP3s. I attempted to ask his permission to quote him but his return email account is closed. To protect his privacy I've removed anything that I believe could identify him so that his words could be heard.

"I was just getting more and more interested in erotic hypnosis, and have only recently begun to listen to files. However, I noticed that they took up so much of my time, and get me into a different reality.

Though this is interesting to explore, I also know that it can be dangerously seductive. And since my girlfriend is away for a longer time, I cannot allow myself this to happen now. Just after i read some of your ethics txt files on your site, i decided to delete my account, delete all MP3's and wait for exploration till the two of us are together again.

Since you are concerned and ethical about this subject, I do feel that you might like hearing this. Thus without knowing you, I am very grateful, since you might have just saved a lot of nasty things from happening. "

I completely understand and applaud this man's respect for his girlfriend and for himself. Exploring hypnotic D/s is almost indescribably exciting but it should never be allowed to interfere with one's life or with one's relationships. Since this is an issue for him, he should indeed wait for the direction of his Mistress. When they're together, perhaps she can use the MP3s and/or hypnosis as a tool.

When considering the use of any hypnotic D/s MP3s or sessions, listen and explore reasonably. If you:

• are listening for hours a day
• find you're becoming consumed with thoughts of the hypnotist/Domme
• are consumed with reading about hypno D/s online
• find you're spending money you can't afford in order to buy MP3s or 1:1 sessions from someone
• find that your relationships are suffering
• find you're neglecting your responsibilities

then things have gone too far. Some initial excitement and enthusiasm isn't unexpected but things should quickly settle into a reasonable quantity of time and effort being expended in this area.