Five Seconds

Recently, I've been getting questions about how I'm doing with the loss of my father and the end of my relationship, if I'm ready to find someone to date, if I'm looking for submissives (and yes, they do mean plural), and all sorts of other questions. Admittedly some people are being nosy, pure and simple, some are feeling me out to see if I'm interested in them personally, but I think most are sincere and concerned. Because I think many are sincere and concerned, I'm going to respond.

To be honest, things are still really difficult. I'm sad. I miss my father and Rook so much that sometimes my heart almost physically aches. I'm aware that's not what people want to read but some of you asked and it's the truth. That said, I know I can't survive emotionally if I can't move past that grief. I realize it looks as if I'm all sorts of happy, out doing things, meeting new people, flirting with friends, etc. All but the happy part is true. As for that part, I've decided to fake it til I make it (thus all those things I'm doing lately).

Not too long after all this happened, I remembered something that I'd heard "Jack" on Lost say (yes, I know - how sad that I garnered part of my life philosophy from a TV program, but hey - if it works, why knock it?)

"Fear's sort of an odd thing. When I was in residency my first solo procedure was a spinal surgery on a sixteen-year-old kid. A girl. And at the end after thirteen hours I was closing her up and I..I accidentally ripped her dural sac . Shredded the base of the spine where all her nerves come together. Membrane as thin as tissue. So it ripped open. Nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta, spinal fluid flowing out of her and I...the terror was just so crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I'd let the fear in, let it take over, let it do its thing. But only for five seconds. That's all I was gonna give it. So I started to count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. And it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up, and she was fine."

I'm surviving by following that philosophy. When I feel sad, I only allow myself to feel those emotions for a minute or so and then I make myself go on to something else.

As for the other questions - am I looking for someone to date or looking for submissives - no, I absolutely am not. What I am doing is trying to have a little fun with friends. I know how to be playful without crossing a line that I'm not ready to cross. After a year plus of being sad, I'm ready to laugh a little, smile a little, play a little. Nothing more, nothing less.