Dominance and Bitchiness
Recently I was browsing through the pages of some of the blogs I used to read on a frequent basis and I noticed a couple of entries that made me wince. In each post the female dominant was responding to letters they had received from submissive male "fans". Both responses were quite nasty - very belittling of the authors. Neither letter was rude in any way and it seemed as if the responses were extreme over-reactions. It appeared neither letter was written by someone known to the dommes.
I've thought about these posts several times and wondered how other readers responded to the dominants' behavior. Is bitchiness an expected trait for "most" dominants? Does the "average" submissive man expect (and even desire) to be treated this way by someone who isn't his dominant? I use the terms "most" and "average" because I know nothing fits "all" dominants and submissives.
Perhaps this point of view is perceived as weakness, perhaps it's why some "submissive" men think they can speak to me in any manner they wish, but I do not believe bitchiness has anything to do with being dominant and I try to avoid being that way. Certainly some dominant women are bitchy as well, but I believe controlling someone by fear, condescension or intimidation is bullying, not dominating. There's nothing wrong with this as long as it's a consensual thing, but I find it disturbing when I see seemingly nice men treated in this way. Perhaps this is how they wish to be treated - I'm not sure, but how can the domme now this?
What are your thoughts? Do you expect dominants to be bitchy? Do you expect or even desire to be treated this way by someone who is and someone who isn't your dominant?
Labels: Female Dominance
posted by Lady Julia @ 2:19 PM
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12 Comments:
My opinion, (for what it’s worth as merely a D/s Switch Curious Vanilla), is that the wish to be the recipient of bitchiness is akin to wanting a mental spanking. As a disciplinary measure intended to correct unwanted behavior in children, and by way of the physical proximity of the buttocks to pleasure receptors, this act evolves into a form of adult pleasure for many people. Verbal “spanking”, (extremely authoritative speech), apparently has a similar progression for some between childhood and adulthood. “Bitchiness” is just a label, but the underlying wish to be disciplined, to be controlled, is probably more than anything a wish to be understood and loved.
Arafin
There's a *big* difference between being spoken to in a rude, bitchy manner by someone who is your Domme and with whom that is a part of your agreed upon dynamic, and someone who speaks that way to anyone who happens to irritate them. One is dominating while the other is being a bitch plain and simple.
I like being ordered around imperiously but I do not like being spoken to like I am an idiot or some worthless worm.
It's likely I don't "get" this entire scenario because I'm pretty vanilla but I tend to agree that bitchiness does not a Domme make. If I understand the concept correctly, the ability to control someone who wishes to submit makes the person a Domme.
If we flipped this scenario and it was a man who spoke to women he didn't know in the same manner I think most women would be incensed. Certainly they would not be impressed.
I think the most attractive feature a woman can have is when she's dominant and doesn't need to be bitchy to be dominant.
Hard to explain I know.
This is a trend I've noticed around the web as well. The Dommes who have been around for a while seem to grow less respectful of the men in their lives as time goes on. This of course isn't all Dommes, but it seems frequent enough to be a cliche.
To some extent, this may be akin to a risk taker who is constantly searching for bigger and more daring risks. But in this case, it's a dominant searching for bigger and more dramatic domination. But I think it's misguided.
Of course, that's just my personal view. To each her own. Or his own.
It could be these web dommes are jaded by the life they've created for themselves (online at least, we don't know what their real lives are like).
Or just as likely, these women could be growing tired of always being "on" all the time. I imagine that's very tiring. I think after a while, I'd get a little bitchy, too.
Maybe the mail these women get includes too much hard to read emails from people who think one size fits all. Enough hate mail could turn the sweetest of people moody.
I know there are people who will disagree with me on this but I think people whoever they are domme or vanilla that throw tantrums are being childish. Everyone can have a bad day even someone who has a lovely soul like Lady Julia but most of the time they should be able to control their bitchiness. If they can't control themselves the majority of the time then how can they control someone else?
my Princess asserts Her authority in a cool, composed, yet unmistakably in-command way that makes me shiver. The occasional observer might find it 'bitchy', but i am nonetheless in Her thrall. i know when i have transgressed, so does She. i dread Her disappointment as much as the consequence that inevitably follows.
I think it is different if you are bitchy to *your* submissive than being bitchy to someone you don't know. I know that like someone said the online Dommes get a lot of irritating email and that is regrettable. If you put yourself out there as an online persona then sorry but that is part of the deal. It shouldn't be but it is. You get the glory and the grief. When the irritating emails come your way there is a really nice feature for all email programs called the delete button. I really respect how Lady Julia deals with people. I know since she is not only a Domme but a Hypnodomme (an even rarer creature than just a Domme) that she must get a lot of annoying emails and blog comments. I have never in all the years I have silently followed her ever seen her respond in a nasty way.
Axe said, I think the most attractive feature a woman can have is when she's dominant and doesn't need to be bitchy to be dominant.
I know you said it's hard to explain but I hope you don't mind if I ask you to try?
There is something irresistible about a dominant woman who holds the mind and sexuality of her male in the palm of her hand. Her intelligence pierces his psyche probing his soul and leaving him eager to respond to the most sensual caress of all while he falls deeper and deeper into complete adoration.
Never once did She have to resort to a demeaning posture.
Lady Julia,
Bitchiness has always been a turn off for me. Pleasing a woman I perceive as "nice" give me a good feeling.
Will
I am in a stable relationship with my wife. I am not a submissive, and she is not a dominant. Yet, I submit to her, and she dominates me.
In this relationship I expect a certain input from her. I know, "expect" is not being submissive. Still, I have my preferences. I can serve her to the hilt without her being bitchy and overtly domineering.
When she says, "Darling, my cup needs a refill," I already feel guilty. I will go out of my way to refill the cup. She need not scream, yell, or abuse me for my missing the opportunity. I know that I have failed to be perfect, and that I deserve discipline.
I love it when she is kind and just. If or when (which is most of the time) I need correction, she applies whatever she thinks is appropriate. She is still kind and not abusive. I accept her love and caring. I may end up with some tender parts as a result, but not enough to take to the emergency room.
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