Everything Men Know About Women
Image by DailyInvention (Creative Commons)After years of research and thousands of personal interviews, Cindy Cashman (under the pseudonym 'Dr Allen Francis') complied and published, "Everything Men Know About Women." More than 1.5 million copies were sold.
The photo above offers an excerpt reflective of the content on every page. That's right - this best selling book consists of 128 blank pages.
First, she's a genius. I wish I had thought of that idea :)
Second, are women really that difficult for men to figure out or is it that we simply don't try to communicate better with one another?
Certainly I think the difficulty in understanding the opposite sex flows both ways. I would explode if I didn't talk about the things that bother me. He on the other hand has to go all quiet for 3-4 days and then suddenly email me in the middle of the day to ask a silly question that has nothing to do with the silence. Said silly question indicates that the issue is resolved, let's move on. There's no discussion later about the issue unless I initiate it. Talking about things that bother him just isn't his way.
There are of course many other things that puzzle me about him and him about me. For the longest time I could not understand why he had to try to "fix" things when I would tell him about a problem. I would say "I want to talk about this" not "will you tell me how to fix this?" Now I realize that translation automatically takes place in his brain. That's just how many men are.
I will admit that sometimes I am difficult. Just a tad ;) Last night I was truly upset about something that had nothing to do with him. I phoned and immediately told him my concerns and concluded my tale by asking,
"Am I over-reacting?"
Dead silence.
"It's ok if I am over-reacting. If I am then that means the problem probably isn't as bad as I think it is."
"Well, I wouldn't say you're over-reacting..."
"No seriously, tell me. Would most anyone else be this upset? Would you be?"
"Well, no, but you're upset because you're a very caring, loving person."
That particular conversation ended well for us, however, depending on what I needed from him at the moment, that conversation could have ended badly. In many situations if I had said, "Am I over-reacting?" I would really mean, "Reassure me that I'm not over-reacting". When he said I was, I'd be upset with him. You see I want him to tell me I'm over-reacting only when I tell him it's ok to say I'm over-reacting. I've never once explained this minefield to him. He was simply tactful enough last night to have avoided it.
Sigh.
It must be hard to be my fella - in good times and in bad ;)
All these upsetting situations could be avoided if we would talk more. The only way he can know more about me and vice versa is for us to talk. While talking is sometimes a risk and sometimes it hurts a lot, in the end I think it's the only thing that will help fill in those blank pages.
Labels: Relationships
posted by Lady Julia @ 1:44 PM
13 Comments
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13 Comments:
Talking is much different than communicating, Lady Julia, and listening is the key to understanding. Without listening to each other,without communicating with one another, without each one giving to the other one-hundred per cent active attention, true communication is almost impossible, at best, and extremely difficult, at its least.
From all you have shared by way of your written voice, Lady Julia, I fail to see how communicating with you would be anything but an enthralling and enlightening experience, every time and in all ways.
Respectfully,
willie owen
I think you're right with regard to your thoughts on communication.
While I was in the shower a few minutes ago I was thinking about all this. (I do some of my best thinking while I'm in the shower.) :) Good communication not only requires effort and honesty with one another, but it requires self-honesty and introspection on our part. If I hadn't thought about that interaction for awhile after I put the phone down, I'm not sure I would have realized that sometimes I want him to do things that he can't possibly know he's supposed to do.
Thank you for having faith in me, but I've plenty of faults like everyone else :)
*winces*
Are you over-reacting? That question is in the same genre as "Do these pants make my butt look fat?"
[serious]
We don't communicate well with each other because words get in the way and because what we read into nuances of tone and expression are more a reflection of our own insecurities than of what our partners really mean.
The more secure we are with ourselves, the easier it is to communicate with each other because those weird, stupid, crazy little things don't get in the way of actual meaning.
[/serious]
There is an old adage about men and women trying to relate to each other - men *do* try to "fix" things because that's what we tend to do. Women ask us questions that appear to be a problemand then get mad when we analyze the situation and toss out some alternatives. If you didn't want an answer, then why did you bring it up?
Women, OTOH, don't understand that we men rarely just want to complain about something, we want whatever it is that we're complaining about to be fixed so we can get onto more important things like reading the new TiVo manual or making a sandwich.
And there should be a law against those women that wake us up at 2 am and say "Honey, we've got to talk," only to discover that they're just venting about some imagined slight from a dippy girlfriend.
I'm really against the Mars/Venus thing, since IMO it cheapens the rich possibilities of interaction between partners, but in general men are socialized to communicate in different ways than are women; naturally we can expect some things be misunderstood.
There is an old adage about men and women trying to relate to each other - men *do* try to "fix" things because that's what we tend to do. Women ask us questions that appear to be a problem and then get mad when we analyze the situation and toss out some alternatives. If you didn't want an answer, then why did you bring it up?
I suppose one could also ask, if you know that we want you to just listen to us complain then why do you try to fix the problem? :)
And there should be a law against those women that wake us up at 2 am and say "Honey, we've got to talk," only to discover that they're just venting about some imagined slight from a dippy girlfriend.
Part of the not serious part of your statement? :)
I agree we're socialized differently but I think it isn't unreasonable to think that concerted efforts toward honest communication and self-examination can make life a whole lot easier.
We're lucky. We've had two arguments the whole time we've been together. We didn't yell or even say mean things. My feelings were hurt and he didn't talk. As a rule we do talk a lot to each other and I think that has helped us avoid a lot of misunderstandings.
I think many of us now understand that often what women need to do is talk in order to think things through. It's quite fascinating to me that there can be several threads going on concurrently in woman-to-woman conversastions and all seeme to be easily tracked and processed. Most guys are much more linear.
If we understand why do we still try to fix things? Maybe that's an ingrained or even instinctive reaction, and it slips out before we've bothered to think that we're talking to a woman and need to shift listening/reacting gears.
All that said, I think this dialogue is just "fine" :)!
I agree we're socialized differently but I think it isn't unreasonable to think that concerted efforts toward honest communication and self-examination can make life a whole lot easier.
Sure - but it goes both ways. We (men) need to be reminded that you're just venting and aren't looking for a fix. But if we just nod our heads and then wander off looking for new batteries for the remote, then are you going to give us the silent treatment for the next three days? Or will you expect us to act just like your girlfriends do?
Actually, that's part of the problem, too: women sometimes expect us to act like a girlfriend; or more correctly, get upset when we don't react like a girlfriend.
And look, some men are obviously different and "get it" or at least, aren't so far off base as to be frustrating. And some women are considerate enough to let us sleep through the night when their gf failed to return a phone call for the 3rd time that month.
And yes, I'm making sweeping generalizations here, but that's okay - you get what you paid for.
It is the simple fact we all share, Lady Julia : we are all Human. We all live with our individual imperfections, and we all get the opportunity to honor them by living with them. Such an awareness creates, I feel, a deepening self-trusting which shares space with our ability to recognize another human being as our equal partner within the communicative dialogue. Hence, communication, itself, lives more strongly than not.
Thank you, Lady Julia, for sharing your thoughts on this.
Respectfully,
willie owen
TVH said: If we understand why do we still try to fix things? Maybe that's an ingrained or even instinctive reaction, and it slips out before we've bothered to think that we're talking to a woman and need to shift listening/reacting gears.
I don't disagree even in the slightest. I don't really expect either of us to always remember these things. When I said,
"I suppose one could also ask, if you know that we want you to just listen to us complain then why do you try to fix the problem?",
it was in response to Tom asking,
There is an old adage about men and women trying to relate to each other - men *do* try to "fix" things because that's what we tend to do. Women ask us questions that appear to be a problem and then get mad when we analyze the situation and toss out some alternatives. If you didn't want an answer, then why did you bring it up?
Why should it work one way but not the other? :) Of course the answer is that it doesn't always work for either partner.
Certainly men can understand women and vice versa. Yes, sometimes we don't see where our partners are coming from because we think differently, are socialized differently, and we sometimes need different things. Neither sex has a monopoly on perfection or neuroses :) Sometimes "getting" one another is difficult, but I think if we talk honestly, are self-aware, and most importantly both make a concerted effort instead of drifting along settling for things as they are, we're well on our way.
Holy Cow... I just finished one of my rare posts, including communication, and dropped by to your blog. Well, I think everyone has touched on this pretty well... guess I'll go fix something.
Garry
Gary :) So good to see you posting again! I enjoyed reading your thoughts as always.
What does it mean if I see words on the pages of that book?
Hello milady a great kiss from
ITALY
my name is Gianluca I come from Milan ...
Sorry for my english Milay..
Un Bacio affettuoso !
Thank You
Are You Italian Milady?
un bacio
Gianluca
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