Cruel, Bitchy Dominance or Gentle Persuasion?
| You Are 24% Bitchy |
 You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them! |
From the Ask Lady Julia survey on my website:
What made you choose to be more gentle and persuasive as you call it instead of bitchy, cruel, and demanding like so many other Dommes?
Do you think most lifestyle Dommes really are cruel, bitchy, and demanding? Perhaps at times, but as a general mode of behaving? I am skeptical that it is as common as you think, but I don't know. I can only speak for myself (smiles - which is fortunate because that's all you asked me to do.)
Bitchiness has zero appeal to me (though we all have our moments - where is that chocolate?). Even though I know the "bitch Domme" is a fantasy for a lot of men, I really am not comfortable with being something I am not just to stroke a man's sexual hot buttons. It's so much more satisfying to be myself and be with someone who is attracted to me rather than a persona I might project. If I were really bitchy I think not only would he be unhappy but I would be too. For me to be this way the majority of the time I'd have to be very bitter and my self-esteem would have to be quite poor.
Cruelty is even farther from my grasp. Again I know this is a big kink for some but I internalize things too much to pull this off. Any time I tried to be cruel I would imagine how I would feel if someone said something like that to me and that just wouldn't do. I cognitively understand people don't view "cruelty" in the same way but I haven't reached the place where my emotions agree with that and to be candid I don't really want to.
Demanding - well to be honest I am working on that just a bit. Not so much because he likes it (he does in certain circumstances), but because I realize I was socialized very young to squelch this part of me. By the time I hit puberty I was well aware of how boys view bossy girls and began to make a conscious effort to change so boys would like me. As an adult, while the desire to be liked is obviously present in everyone, I don't want that to be the driving reason for me to behave in a manner that really isn't always me deep down. I like being persuasive - it's sexy and fun, but I'm discovering that I can be comfortable with occasionally being a bit demanding and can recognize that this can feel sexy and fun as well. I can't fathom my being demanding all the time but every now and then it can definitely work ;)
Let me be clear - I'm certainly not knocking anyone being bitchy, cruel or demanding as long as this is a consensual thing. These things just aren't me. I don't choose to be the way I am, it's just how things are.
On a side note as I know this wasn't your question - I think one of the biggest mistakes a submissive man can make is to expect his lady to dominate him in a manner that pushes his hot buttons even though that sort of behavior just isn't her. If you're in a relationship with someone who is bitchy, cruel, and demanding and this works for you - congrats! However if your lady isn't that way, I think pushing and pushing her to be something she just isn't - well, I can't see that being too successful and in most cases probably causes a lot of harm to the relationship.
I think being dominant isn't determined by how you control, it's quite simply that you do control.
Labels: Female Dominance
posted by Lady Julia @ 11:08 AM
14 Comments
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14 Comments:
35% :(
That's ok, I bet Tom's higher:)
To be (bitchy) the majority of the time I'd have to be very bitter and my self-esteem would have to be quite poor.
Quite the antagonistic statement. I wonder how the self-described bitches feel about your description of them as very bitter and having a poor self-esteem.
You are an interesting specimen. You profess to be a Domme but you are continuously profiling your flaws. Indeed you seem to be flaunting them. If you ever wish to be taken seriously as a Domme you should consider that image does mean something. Dominance is all about the "illusion" and your illusion screams of your lack of confidence and your surplus of vanillaness.
***You Are 28% Bitchy***
You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts.
Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!
Hah! Take that, you, er, uh... yeah.
*struts*
Sue Pants is bitchier than I am!
Anon - dominance is all about the illusion? Looks like you've been reading too many Penthouse Forum columns.
You Are 65% Bitchy
While you may not think of yourself as the ice queen, admit it, you're often in a bad mood.
And it's those around you who often bear the brunt of your annoyance, even if they haven't done anything wrong!
Mr Spider would agree......... BLACK WIDOW
Tom Allen, did you just call me a biatch?
Laughing.
You must have been reading *****’s blog this week.
Whoops. That was catty.
I think I just went up to 36%
Sorry:)
Well, that was a challenege but I just changed the gender refrences in the questions so I can out ....
You Are 19% Bitchy
You are practically an angel - both on the inside and outside.
You try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and you're even tolerant of bitchiness in others!
probably true.
I was bemused by the unsigned anon comment about Lady J's "surplus of vanillaness". I think I've seen other comments from Mr. or Mz. anon before and have to wonder what insecurity drives that persom to attack Lady J in such a manner. Judging from the lack of sensitivity in the comments I'd suspect anon is a guy, or maybe a lady with her masculine side in hyper-drive. In any event, if Lady J wants to be a fun loving Domme with a teaspoon or two full of compassion added so what?
Oh gosh - maybe I'm bitchier than the survey said ......
TVH
Dear AnonyMonyPoohPooh...
With regard to my style of vanilla-ey dominance, I like who I am and so does my fella. That's enough to make me deliciously happy.
With regard to the "antagonistic statement", if you had quoted what I said completely you would have noted that I said "for me" I would have to be blah blah blah.
I do not care what other people do or how they live their lives as long as they don't harm others. My focus here is to talk about what works for me.
See.. wasn't that a nice, gentle response? If I had been in a bitchy mood I would have told you to kindly go self-fornicate.
How exactly would the Ice Bitch Domme work on a practical level and in an actual long term relationship, not some $21.95 a month automatically rebilling fantasy?
“Hey you pathetic little worm, go help the kids with their algebra!”
That would get old.
I think the negative reaction to the Nip/Tuck episode is not based solely on clichés or the level of pain play. It was just sooooo depressingly sterile, devoid of any warmth or emotional connection.
It just wasn’t sexy.
It was just sooooo depressingly sterile, devoid of any warmth or emotional connection.
Bingo! Stereotypical and sterile.
It was so sterile that there was no "there" there. There was no indication that they had any kind of emotional relationship at all; merely a therapeutic transaction. Right at the beginning of the episode, he told the docs that a session with Mistress Dark Pants, er, Pain was worth more than going to a shrink; yet there was nothing in the rest of the program to suggest what that might have been.
Sad, really.
Lady Julia,
Your exposure to us is a deeper expression of your soul than most expose to themselves about their own self. Your exposure to us is as deeply grounded as it can be right now. Your exposure to us is a gift, not concretized matter, but a transforming energy shared with all who read your words. Lady Julia, you have captured your self within your time,and your own presence creates her self within your own eternity. If your words disturb some, it is only to illumine. If they enrich others, it be but to brighten.
Be and Become, Lady Julia. You are firmly grounded.
And, when attacked, let your knights defend you against the barbarians.
willie
Dear AnonyMonyPoohPooh
LOL
I don't know which is funnier, the above or Anon's statement If you ever wish to be taken seriously as a Domme
Uh. Dude. Have you looked around any at all or is your view so rigid that you cannot see anything but it? Julia has an established following. She is respected by virtually everyone who interacts with her. The only exceptions are the members of the "My Way or the Highway Kink Club" (TM) and those who are jealous of the respect and attention she has earned.
Back to the legitimate conversation here.
Many people who were into kinky things or power exchange have historically kept quiet about it with everyone because you never know when you'll run into people like Dick/Anon. They didn't feel comfortable or safe in being open because of the way the tight ass crowd set up standards that don't fit many people in the lifestyle.
Because so many middle of the road kinksters kept quiet and basically only those who were really out there were open about their proclivities, people where left to draw their impressions from the extreme "absolutely 100 percent true Domina stories" published online and the things they saw in the movies or on TV. Now you see people like Julia, Suzy, Destiny, Elizabeth, et al who present a fairly diverse style of dominance and they do it with obvious class and success. They and people like them are showing that "normal" people can be kinky and accepted by their partners.
I am not saying people who are more extreme are not normal, only that society often sees the more extreme as abnormal.
Well said Thomas. Erudite yet with a touch of panache that is becoming of all of we midde-of-the-roadsters!
TVH
I don't like to be forced to guess what she wants, but I wouldn't tolerate being bitched at. There's a middle ground.
Hmm. Reading some of the other comments -- too bad "anonymous" is a coward. I don't mind letting my bitchy side come out so I can admit I'd love taunting him publicly.
I got a 25%, but I don't know if all my answers were fully accurate, given that I had to do some gender translations.
I like the idea of pleasing a Lady. I was attracted to my lady because she was and still is nice. Of course, my 20 year old self liked her figure also. My 40ish self still likes her slightly changed figure. But her main attraction is her niceness.
Mean, bitchy people (man or female) turn me off. Generally, I try to avoid such people. When I much work with them, they bring out the dominant side of me. They had better produce and do it quickly. I can't allow them to hurt the work place environment.
Certainly this behavior does not bring out the submissive side of my nature.
Will (RRK)
P. S. I got 23%
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