Submissive Needs

Recently in my group someone mentioned that he was concerned about putting his needs first and that by doing so, this was making him a "bad submissive".

I think that there's a very unhealthy theory running through some of the D/s community that says that the relationship has to be all about the Dom/me and that the submissive isn't a "good submissive" if he/sh is concerned about their own needs.

If you're a submissive, being concerned about your needs is healthy. We all have emotional, physical, and cognitive needs and to deny them is to put ourselves at
least to some degree of risk. In my idea of a healthy D/s relationship the submissive is trusting the dominant to take control of some* (or all) of his/her needs and to decide how and when these needs are met. It doesn't mean these needs are not important or that they should be completely ignored in favor of the Dom/me's needs. The dominant is also in control of how the submissive meets the dominant's needs. He/she is responsible for maintaining the balance required in order to insure that both are healthy and happy.

Continual total selflessness may sound great in fantasy but I would question how healthy any individual would be upon attempting to put this in practice. I'd also question how long total selflessness could be sustained.

(*When I say some of their needs, keep in mind that not everyone chooses to surrender total control of every need nor does every Domme wish to have that much control. This doesn't make their relationship more or less "real" - it's simply their choice of what works to make them both happy.)