Making the First Move
Well, sometimes anyway ;) In reality - it's not always about me. In a loving relationship it's about him, too.
I have a few minutes this evening and I thought, hmm... I should post a blog entry. It's been such a long time that I'm certain that my friends think I've abandoned them and that I've lost tons of readers. The funny thing is, you'd think with not having written for three weeks that I would have something really interesting to say. Alas, such is not the case. I've been so busy dealing with all the stressors in my life that I haven't really had many kinky thoughts.
What's happening in my life isn't unusual. It happens to a lot of people - a sick parent, a sick child, a very busy job - often all at the same time. I wonder how other people manage to nurture their relationships during times like this. Is this why so many people my age have relationships that end? I admit it - I've neglected him. True, I've not turned him down when *he* has initiated anything (I think I'd have to be dead for that - grin), but somehow those kinky thoughts haven't seemed to enter *my* mind first lately. In some relationships this wouldn't be a big deal as the other partner's needs often drive them enough that they initiate intimacies. When one is with a submissive man this doesn't always happen. After all - the Domme's the one in control, right? Many say he's supposed to wait on my lead and admittedly most of the time, he does. He also waits because he's being kind and considerate. He's remarked that he knows I'm stressed completely out and he doesn't want to add even more demands. So, what's a caring submissive man to do in a situation like this?
I believe he should discuss with his dominant partner and determine how she would feel if he initiated things at least occasionally during high stress times. (Personally I like it when he initiates things sometimes even during the good times but I know that freaks out some of the more rigid Dommes.) I don't consider initiating things in a time like this to be topping. He's doing something that will help her and help the relationship. Because he discussed it with her - he has her permission to do so. If she agrees, it will ultimately please her and definitely makes her feel better to be at least momentarily distracted. It also helps relieve her of the burden of guilt she may feel for neglecting him.
Dommes, how do you deal with extended periods of being too stressed to be kinky? (Or... does this ever even happen to you? I suppose some people are never too stressed for that.) Submissives, how do you handle a situation like this? Inquiring minds want to know.
posted by Lady Julia @ 4:57 PM
11 Comments
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11 Comments:
Have you ever considered that you are not dominant at all but are in fact only kinky? You want him to initiate things sometimes. Doesn't that by definition make him dominant and you submissive at least sometimes?
Sometimes I don’t get Dick. What's the difference between having your submissive wash the floor and initiating romantic/erotic ideas? It’s what you desire and they will feel good that they have pleased you. D/s still intact.
D/s or vanilla, you can’t escape the fact that a relationship involves two people. Ok sometimes 3 of four people. Different post. The point is that part of the reason we seek relationships is to have that extra shoulder for support during life’s inevitable rough patches. We reciprocate by helping when they become burdened. Whatever your kink, teamwork builds intimacy. Intimacy builds love.
Perhaps some are not comfortable leaning on their lover for fear they will begin to deflate:)
but I know that freaks out some of the more rigid Dommes
Heh heh - IMO, that's all the more reason to do it!
And I see that the Dick guy is still at it. Yo, Dick - why this insistence with labeling or pigeonholing people? Domme or kinky, what's the difference? Or rather, what difference does it make to you?
You know, this week I was told - twice - that there is something wrong with me or my blog because I mix fantasy with reality in my infrequent stories. One person told me that in a blog I should stick to just reality. Another intimated that it was wrong of me to screw with the reader's heads by not stating explicitly if a post was "real" or not.
Wha...???
I understand that some people need some rigid rules, and part of their enjoyment of the game is the mastery of the rules themselves.
In real life, we call those people "attorneys".
In fact, it seems that their energy is mostly spent studying the hierarchies and regulations, much in the same way that teenagers obsess over D&D cards. Their enjoyment comes not from the experiences, but from the trappings of the experience (and note the double entendre of that word). Oddly - perhaps ironically so - this game is played by those on either side of the D/s line. We can all think of several "subbier than thou" folks who maintain that they have a more pure/ intense /real version of what they do. This is the mirror of the Dommy types who swagger around, bragging aobut the size of their stable of ponies or how well-trained their pets are.
Sometimes I don’t get Dick.
Then you'd better take a firmer hand with Ty ;-)
Tom
The Edge of Vanilla
I think the reason even more vanilla romances die is that one or more of the two people isn't able to handle the face that relationships aren't all sex and fun.
Despite Alexandra's constant encouragement I've yet to manage to teach myself to initiate. Always fearful of being a pest.
Getting past that is one of my main goals for when we are next together.
Hello Lady Julia,
i have never had a D/s relationships so i'm not sure my comments would be legitimate. However here follows my mint tinted hints for submisives;
1. Take Mistress out to lunch, a great 1 or 2 hour break. Food is also a primordial need and sensuous if handled well and just might rekindle those Dominant "urges." May i reccomend www.kong.fr next to the Luois Vuitton Building so one can throw in some accessories shopping!
2. Short picnic or walk, fallen branches make make good canes for those back to nature activities.
3. A game of love chess?
www.lovechess.nl
4. If all else fails;
www.metronaps.com.au
Part of the beauty of being a domme is being able to have your cake any way you please. Goddess V is much the same as you. She likes what she likes the way she likes it and screw the "rules." And speaking of rules: does anyone know all the rules for being a domme or a submissive. Does anyone truly care?
Corrigendum!
Please may i correct the resturaunt suggestion in my posting from www.kong.fr to www.pershinghall.com
One is trying to get Mistress to relax and kong may be a bit to "in your face" whereas pershing hall is a little more soothing.
Dick if you had not been such a dick in the past your more reasonable questions might carry more weight. I have heard many people ask something similar but usually those are the "old guard". If they believe that way for themselves then that is absolutely acceptable, however to push that purist view on others is wrong. Some will agree with Julia and others won't. I'm sure she is aware of that and is content in that knowledge.
Lady Julia ....
Great post, I think that this type of situiation happens to all of us living life that includes D/s in all its many forms.
The "down" times, no longer scare or intimidate me like they did when we were first 24/7. Our relationship is just as strong in these times now, I do not feel awkard anymore. These times did initially have the ability to make me second guess myself as a Dominant, but not any longer.
How boring it would be IMO, if chance never expressed himself or showed any initiative, I love when he suprises me with his initiative and creativity.
He is an intelligent and entertaining individual, why would I want to supress this quality in him and impose only my thought processes?
When my mind is a thousand miles away, and I cannot think about anything but the real world stresses, he has the power to bring me back. And thankfully he knows when I need him to use this power and come and get me. I love him all the more for that!
Owning a submissive that never showed initiative. To have someone that never offered anything of themsleves but what I told him to give would be boring as hell to me. What exactally would he be bringing to the table?
Destiny
Your submissive or Your slave is Yours to use however You need him. he's to be there during all the times not just the sexy ones. You're more than a sexual object to him - you're his partner. Partner means you help in whatever way necessary.
Dick i do not know if you have ever been in a relationship with a Domme but i would suspect not. you speak as someone who has only known fantasy. Fantasy is ok but you cannot expect people in real relationships to behave in the way you describe in some of your other comments.
Tom Allen said "And I see that the Dick guy is still at it. Yo, Dick - why this insistence with labeling or pigeonholing people? Domme or kinky, what's the difference? Or rather, what difference does it make to you?"
It makes a difference because she is presenting herself as an expert in dominance and so many submissive men hang on her every word. She's misleading them and making them think that Dommes are weak and needy and clingy. If that is what people want to believe that is ok but there are many people who strongly disagree with this and I think someone needs to say so.
If people want to see what a real Domme slave relationship is like they should read blogs like saratoga's, Catwoman's and Destiny and chances. These Dommes and their submissives know exactly what dominance and submissiveness is all about.
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