Respect

My inbox often contains a fairly large number of emails from people who are new to the concept of dominance and submission. What a wonderful place to be - poised, eager to delve into an exploration of something so wonderful...so exciting... so powerful. Thanks to the vast array of misconceptions perpetuated by the residents of BDSM FantasyLand it can also be a somewhat scary place in some respects. You may have heard of this place - the land where submissives have no rights and Mistresses are always cold-hearted, totally selfish bitches who have zero regard for the vermin who grovel at their feet.

Last week I received a letter from a man who for the past two years has been dating a woman who is naturally very aggressive and who possessed some very limited experience in "dominating" others. Initially he had been very excited because he felt she could be *the* dominant woman in his life - his Goddess. As their relationship evolved he found she frequently said very hurtful and/or humiliating statements to him and wasn't hesitant in the slightest to do so in front of others. Some may remark, "This is a the problem? Humiliation is a component of D/s relationships, right? Kneel before me you worthless pig!" While humiliation certainly is a component of some D/s relationships, it's a big limit for others. It was definitely a huge limit for this fella. Sadly, even though her remarks very much upset him and have slowly been eroding his self-esteem, he thought as a submissive he was required to accept any behavior this woman chose to exhibit. "It's her right because she's a Domme." They had not in two years time ever discussed his feelings about this nor had they ever addressed his limits.

I tried to explain to him that "submissive" is not synonymous with "doormat" and dominance does not mean possessing limitless control. Obviously I can't be sure what's really transpriing between them but I encouraged him to talk to her, all the while keeping a few things in mind. Consensual humiliation as a component of a D/s dynamic is one thing, total disregard for someone's feelings and limits is something altogether different. A submissive should never feel he/she has to accept something from a dominant because X is her right. I believe a dominant only has the right to exert his/her control within the parameters of agreed upon limits. Limits should always be negotiated at the outset in a D/s relationship and reviewed/adjusted periodically as the relationship develops.

So many are eager to experience this dynamic and the imbalance between the numbers of male submissives and female dominants is such that many may be tempted to accept a violation of limits in order to receive at least some of what they want or need. I'd encouraged anyone in this position to think long and hard before doing this. A healthy D/s dynamic requires that the submissive not only respect the dominant but that the dominant respect the submissive. Perhaps most importantly, the submissive must possess a healthy self-respect. Without it, the potential for injury and abuse is just too strong.