The Great Question
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?" - Sigmund Freud
As you have no doubt surmised, being a dominant woman in a relationship with a submissive man has many perks ;) Near the top of the list is the awareness we each hold that I am going to be far less reticent to ask for what I want and will do so in a far more direct manner than women who aren't dominant. My confidence is not only in myself, but in him - in his desire to hear what I want and his eagerness to make sure I have it.
Sounds pretty simple, right? Admittedly, in most situations, it is. Where it sometimes gets tricky is in addressing those things that are sensitive issues for him - those areas where I know I'll hurt him by being honest. Even though I want what I want, I am not about to plunge in and blithely disregard his feelings. Regardless of the stereotype, I don't believe being a dominant women gives me license to behave like a heartless bitch. That sort of demeanor works fine in fantasy and even in some areas of play, but he's the person I love. I don't want to hurt him. My silence, however, hurts me.
I'm facing one of those situations. Talking is the only solution. I know this, so it's what I will do. It helps knowing we have a firm foundation based on our feelings for one another. Also comforting is the knowledge that, thanks primarily to our power-exchange dynamic, we've built a strong relationship structure on top of that foundation. That dynamic was our vehicle to finding a place where we feel safer with one another and are more respectful, honest, and open than I believe we would have been without it. Of course these aren't things that are limited to power-exchange relationships, but it's been what helped us find that place. Even though talking about potentially hurtful things isn't easy now, it would have been impossible for me if circumstances were different.
Why post this? Essentially because with regard to Femdom, (LFA, D/s whatever you choose to call it) relationships, most of what one hears about or reads are the positive, fun, sexy stories. As it should be - it's a fun, sexy lifestyle for those it "fits" and those are the stories we love to tell. Still, it's important to recognize it's not always a piece of cake for either party. For us, this lifestyle helps strengthen our relationship, but no matter how you slice it, life's messy. It's full of imperfect people living imperfect lives doing the best they can to be as happy as possible.
posted by Lady Julia @ 3:30 PM
17 Comments
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17 Comments:
I used to have a very idealistic 100% total communication all the time model of my relationships.
Anymore I've come to feel there are places where silenc is OK, maybe the best.
Sometimes we face problems that no one can directly help us with. Or we help them. All that can be provided is the assurance of loving support.
As I recover from the trauma of my prior relationship there are problems that need to be fixed. If Alexandra were to bring them up I'd just choke on the frustration.
Only Richard can fix Richard. At least he dearly hopes he can.
Your sane, sensible, real approach is the main reason I like reading your blog. We are discussing how our marriage is naturally one where she leads most of the time so I forward many of your posts to my wife. She is more inclined to talk about these things since I found you so thank you.
Doesn't it bother you to appear so weak in front of others?
Ms. Catwoman and I were discussing the "What do you want?" issue this evening. Early in this relationship, I would ask her that so often, and she had a very hard time with such a direct question.
I can only take educated guesses as to what it is that you believe will hurt your boy if you tell him. Speaking for myself, I would much rather my lady tell me, straight out, both barrels, go for it, than hold back, trying to save my feelings. If something will leave me vulnerable or hurt, use that. Turn it into erotic energy. Rub my nose in it. Deep down, that's what I really want. Being an uncompromising bitch does not make you a heartless bitch. You can be as demanding, dominant, and cruel as you please, yet still retain some degree of compassion. For me, if the lady will just lay it out for me, clearly, honestly, and ask me if I can and will deal with her desires, I probably can.
By the way, screw Mr. Anonymous. You do not appear weak. You appear to be a compassionate human being. That takes strength.
i really appreciate how You strive to represent Your experience of D/s truthfully and realistically in the context of a love relationship. To me, it takes a richness and strength of character to do this and to not pander to some who are stuck in fantasy mode - something which is far less challenging.
Thank You once again for sharing Your heart!
robert
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Anonymous said...
Doesn't it bother you to appear so weak in front of others?
10:29 PM
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Doesn't it bother YOU to ask inane questions?
I mean this very respectfully. Why do you post those negative comments? You are above all that.
I agree to ken harris concerning this kind of your posts. In fact in my relationship I would be the one to speak about the relationship. She likes to speak more abaout the things of the real world, i.e. business, childrens education etc.. Relationship is just there, it is maybe too real to be talked about. Like the fish who doesn´t realize the water in which he is swimming around. So we have to change the relationship without many words, that would be most comfortable for her. It seems. But that can change when relationship will be realized as a reality. I yet don't know.
@richard: fix richard. Great.
@anonym: to me she appears really strong and powerful like that!
I like to add: Was has that to do with the Freudian Q.. While I had a wonderful time this late sunny morning in bed with the legs of my half- sleeping wife I thought about the Freudian question above. It seems as if this was a typical begin- of- the- last- century - question. At the begin of this century it appears to be that way: What do men want?
I'll respond to other comments later, but I did want to respond to Faninho's question about the Freud quote. You're probably right - that quote didn't have as much to do with the finished post as it did with my initial draft :) First, I thought it was funny that Freud would even ask a question like that since he seemed to think everything could be reduced to sex. Second, I think that many are under the illusion that it's a simple process for the Domme to ask for whatever she wants. That's a "perk" of being in a relationship with a dominant woman - you don't have to wonder. However, for me at least, it isn't always as simple to express what I want as the fantasy would imply and he doesn't always know. We still have to work at communicating.
I can appreciate what Lady Julia said a little. But the dominant lady must express her desires. It is the slave's job to carry out his Mistress' wishes. She has to do her part and say what those wishes are. The slave can't do his job and hers.
slavekal, perhaps I wasn't as clear as I intended. The issue I mentioned wasn't merely a matter of something as simple as "you didn't fold my clothes just right". It's something that effects our relationship and it needs to be addressed. That's not something I take lightly.
Of course I have to do my part by expressing myself. That was really the point of the post. So many people think that there is little required to dominate another. Just say what you wish and then "poof!" it happens. It's not always that way. I'm responsible for making certaining that my dominance doesn't harm him, not just physically but emotionally as well. He's a very strong man and I rarely pause like I did with this. I'm confident in our relationship, in myself and in him, but no matter how wonderful the relationship is, there are times when a serious discussion is needed. It requires thought and yes, sometimes it's hard.
The goal of that post was to demonstrate that dominating another person in a loving relationship isn't always the perfect, idyllic scene that many envision it to be.
Unrealistic expectations cause many people to fail.
I have a guess as to what you are thinking of, but I can't be sure. If I may offer a bit of advice, just ask him. Straight out. If I want to do __________________, can you handle it? WIll you submit to_______? The best thing is to be clear and to ask him to be totally clear and honest with you and himself. That way, there is still some risk, but you are taking steps to minimize it. Your boy may be stronger than you think.
Ahhh - I see now where you're coming from. This has nothing to do with "doing" anything, kinky or otherwise. If it did, it wouldn't be a big deal. You're right - he is very strong where that is concerned.
It's difficult to explain but we're talking and working through it. I can't really say more because of the personal nature. Hopefully what I shared was enough to make the point.
Again, not being sure of what you are talking about, maybe there is a way to test the waters without diving all the way in???
That's right slavekal, that's exactly what I did. We're talking and things are slowly progressing.
Thanks for your concern :)
Without even having to be be specific, you brilliantly described the strengths of a Femdom relationship. Lack of communication is not an option in D/s so you get a lot of practice at being candid and forthcoming with one another and that relationship skill translates well when it comes time to discuss other subjects as well. Good luck with your endeavor.
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