Alphabet Soup

Female domination. Femdom. Dominance and submission. BDSM (Bondage, Disicipline, Sadomasochism). Exciting terms to some. Totally scary to those who may be unfamiliar with them. What do they mean?

To help clarify, I pulled a few definitions from Dr. Gloria Brame's website:

"Dominant: a woman or man who assumes sexual (and possibly more far-reaching) control over a submissive partner." (A female dominant is often referred to as a FemDom for short).

"D&S: also known as Dominance and Submission, DS, D/S, or D/s. Sometimes called "Power Relationships" (see "power exchange" and "total power exchange" below). D&S may be used interchangeably with B&D or SM; or it may be used to refer to a power relationship, where one partner is the sexual dominant and the other is the submissive."

"B&D. Acronym for Bondage & Discipline, also written as BD or B/D, and sometimes combined with SM to form BDSM. B&D is an old expression and is still used fairly interchangeably with D&S and SM, but some people define BD as bondage and discipline without pain, and also without defined power roles."

"BDSM. This portmanteau covers most SM/fetish-related kinks. It is a popular way of linguistically uniting the various types of players whose actual practices may differ."

"SM: also written as S/M, S/m, and S&M. The abbreviation for sadomasochism." - Gloria Brame

While some female dominants are very much into sadomasochism, many are not. (Sadomasochism is sadism, a deriving of sexual pleasure from infliction of pain and/or humiliation and masochism, a deriving of sexual pleasure from receiving pain and/or humiliation) It is entirely possible to control (or dominate) someone without ever inflicting any pain and without ever humiliating anyone. For some women this is a very important distinction.

In previous entries I've mentioned that I have at times enjoyed smacking a partner on the behind and/or causing nipple pain to increase his sexual pleasure. I've also enjoyed causing him to squirm just a little with slightly embarrassed pleasure. This doesn't in any way mean that I had to do these things to control him. Those were buttons that were fun to push primarily because of the reaction that was elicited. I get no thrill strictly from the act - it's all about the reaction. I don't have to discipline him with pain either. He does what I ask because he wants to please me. None of these things - pain, humiliation, physical discipline - are necessary for me to control him.

I'm not interested in the slightest in striking anyone until there are bruises or whelps, in making him a human ashtray or toilet, in humiliating him in any way that would make him feel less than me. We are equal - he chooses to submit and I choose to take control.

I point this out because I frequently receive emails from men who have beseeched their wives to dominate them and have been summarily refused because their ladies were unable to see themselves as the sort of woman who would hurt their partner or do things they consider to be less than appealing. I think in some of these situations, the alphabet soup of terms seriously hindered communication.

As I mentioned in a previous post, it isn't necessary for me to do such things in order to dominate my partner. I am a female dominant who is kind, who says please and thank you, who doesn't raise my voice, etc, yet I am able with just a few words to bring my man to his knees in a way that is not only completely consensual but very mutually satisfying. Other women can easily do the same without fear of having to become someone they are not. There's not need to let misconceptions over phraseology rob two people of the joys of a power exchange relationship.