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| ANGEL OF MERCY April 25, 2005 by Bill A year ago I left the doctor's office in a state of shock. Lung cancer. I was 50 years old and had just retired early to enjoy the rest of my life. "What life?" I bitterly asked myself. Chemotherapy, pain, problems breathing, death. The thought of facing all that alone was just more than I could take. I'm a big guy so I guess I should be ashamed to admit it, but I sat in my truck that day and cried. I didn't cry because of all the things I had to face. I was scared to face them alone. I'd been divorced and alone for a long time. No family and only a few close guy friends. After the pain of my divorce, I liked it that way. "Who needs a woman around to mess things up?" I often joked with my buddies. "God", I remember crying out, "I'd give anything for someone, anyone to help me through this." With chemotherapy scheduled I realized that I needed some help. I'd never been particularly good at housework and I definitely liked someone around to pamper me. I admit it. I'm a man. A friend told me of a nurse who had just left a position and was looking for something different. "Maybe if you talk to her, she'd do your nursing stuff and some of the housekeeping for you." "What do I have to lose?" I asked myself. "I just hope she has a decent personality and can talk about something other than gardening or cooking". Imagine my surprise when the interview began and I met the most amazing woman I've ever known. Funny, intelligent, spunky, world aware, with a voice and laugh that could melt anyone's heart. I hired her on the spot. The day she entered my life as my nurse I was no longer dying, I was learning to live all over again. Over the course of the year, I learned to appreciate the many facets of this Angel of Mercy. Whatever I needed that day, that's what she was. Now I said what I needed. Not always what I wanted. :) If I needed support and encouragement she was there to hold my hand. She seemed to intuitively know what I needed well before I did. Bossy. This was one bossy woman but bossy in the sweetest way. Not only wouldn't she let me feel sorry for myself a bit, she wouldn't let me slack off in the things I had to do. She had this way of getting me to do what she wanted me to and liking it. (I loved it, but I had to act like I didn't. I couldn't give her too much power over me after all!) Smart. Sometimes I'd pick a side I knew was opposite of her point of view just to watch how quickly her mind worked and to hear how much she knew about something. Funny. Sometimes we'd laugh over things until tears are rolling down her cheeks. Gentle and tender. I've never met anyone with a bigger heart. Her nursing skills were top notch. No question about that. "Compassion, encouragement, understanding, teaching, pushing are all nursing skills," she'd say. "There is a lot more to nursing than changing an IV or giving a shot." I found that out when she began to use hypnosis to help me with the anxiety and the nausea. I was surprised when she first suggested it and more than a little skeptical. Still, after a few months of being under her care, I knew that she wouldn't suggest it if she didn't believe in it. "What have I got to lose?" I asked myself. What indeed. The first session was something etched permanently in my mind. I'd been alone for so long that I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be touched by someone so tender. "Everyone needs physical contact, everyone needs to be loved and hugged." She'd say that a lot and she hugged a lot. For that first trance she had me sit to where I could lean back against her and she began a slow massage of my face, all the while whispering soothingly to me. Telling me to let go. That it was all going to be ok. There wasn't anything sexual about it. It was above that. It was pure. Sweet. Beautiful. I was gone. I can remember letting go without question and simply trusting her. She told me it was ok to cry. That she had me and wasn't letting go. I cried for what seemed like forever and she just held me. Then I could feel that soft touch again on my face, fingers massaging again and hearing those soft whispers telling me it would be ok. I don't remember anything else she told me but after the trance ended I remember feeling more peace than I'd ever remembered feeling in my life. Over the remainder of the year she's become my best friend as well as my nurse/companion. She says I've learned to be a good hypnosis subject and I guess that must be true. All I know is, something she's done has worked. Six months ago I was told the tumor was shrinking and today I was told they couldn't see it at all. Am I healed? Physically, I hope so. More importantly to me, I know I'm healed emotionally. I'm not afraid to live, love, laugh, and face life any more. I know I couldn't say that if it hadn't been for my Angel of Mercy. |
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